8.28.2005

Best survey ever

Okay, okay. I've stooped to posting yet another web survey result. But trust me. This one is worth it. Observe, for instance, the many eerie similarities between me and Tesla. Fear of human contact. Death ray. It's all there.


You are Nicola Tesla, inventor of the Tesla Coil!

A minister's son from Simljan in Austria-Hungary, you were precocious from an early age. At three you could multiply three-digit numbers in your head and calculate how many seconds visitors to your home had lived. In awe of your older brother Dane, you shot a pea-shooter at his horse, causing it to throw him and inflict injuries from which he later died. This tragedy haunted you ever after. You frequently suffered bouts of illness with hallucinations throughout your life. During one affliction of cholera, you encountered the writing of Mark Twain, with whom you were later to be close friends. Later, another, this time mystery, illness inexplicably heightened your senses to a painful extent, only relenting when you hit upon the idea of the alternating current motor.

You developed an aversion to human contact, particularly involving hair, and a fear of pearls; when one would-be lover kissed you, you ran away in agony. Later, you insisted that any repeated actions in your day-to-day life had to be divisible by three, or, better yet, twenty-seven. You would, for example, continue walking until you had executed the required number of footsteps. You refused to eat anything until you had calculated its exact volume. Saltine crackers were a favourite for their uniformity in this respect. In the midst of important work, you forgot trivial details such as eating, sleeping or, on one memorable occasion, who you were.

Your inventions, always eccentric, began on a suitably bizarre note. The first was a frog-catching device that was so successful, and hence so emulated by your fellow children, that local frogs were almost eradicated. You also created a turbine powered by gluing sixteen May bugs to a tiny windmill. The insects panicked and flapped their wings furiously, powering the contraption for hours on end. This worked admirably until a small child came along and ate all the creatures alive, after which you never again touched another insect.

Prompted by dreams of attaining the then-ridiculed goal of achieving an alternating-current motor, you went to America in the hope of teaming up with Thomas Edison. Edison snubbed you, but promised fifty thousand dollars if you could improve his own direct-current motor by 20% efficiency. You succeeded. Edison did not pay up. It was not long until you created an AC motor by yourself.

Now successful, you set up a small laboratory, with a few assistants and almost no written records whatsoever. Despite it being destroyed by fire, you invented the Tesla Coil, impressing even the least astute observer with man-made lightning and lights lit seemingly by magic. Moving to Colorado Springs, you created a machine capable of sending ten million volts into the Earth's surface, which even while being started up caused lightning to shoot from fire hydrants and sparks to singe feet through shoes all over the town. When calibrated to be in tune with the planet's resonance, it created what is still the largest man-made electrical surge ever, an arc over 130 feet long. Unfortunately, it set the local power plant aflame.

You returned to New York, incidentally toying with the nascent idea of something eerily like today's internet. Although the wealthiest man in America withdrew funding for a larger, more powerful resonator in short order, it did not stop you announcing the ability to split the world in two. You grew ever more diverse in your inventions: remote-controlled boats and submarines, bladeless turbines, and, finally, a death ray.

While whether the ray ever existed is still doubtful, it is said that you notified the Peary polar expedition to report anything strange in the tundra, and turned on the ray. First, nothing happened; then it disintegrated an owl; finally, reports reached you of the mysterious Tunguska explosion, upon which news you dismantled the apparatus immediately. An offer during WWII to recreate it was, thankfully, never acted upon by then-President Wilson. Turning to other matters, you investigated the forerunner of radar, to widespread derision.

Your inventions grew stranger. One oscillator caused earthquakes in Manhattan. You adapted this for medical purposes, claiming various health benefits for your devices. You found they let you work for days without sleep; Mark Twain enjoyed the experience until the sudden onset of diarrhoea. You claimed to receive signals in quasi-Morse Code from Mars, explored the initial stages of quantum physics; proposed a "wall of light", using carefully-calibrated electromagnetic radiation, that would allegedly enable teleportation, anti-gravity airships and time travel; and proposed a basic design for a machine for photographing thoughts. You died aged 87 in New York, sharing an apartment with the flock of pigeons who were by then your only friends.

Ridiculed throughout your life (Superman fought the evil Dr. Tesla in 1940s comics), you were posthumously declared the father of the fluorescent bulb, the vacuum tube amplifier and the X-ray machine, and the Supreme Court named you as the legal inventor of the radio in place of Marconi. Wardenclyffe, the tower once housing your death ray, was dynamited several times to stop it falling into the hands of spies. It was strangely hard to topple, and even then could not be broken up.


I'm Nicola Tesla! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!
Which Historical Lunatic Are You?

8.27.2005

Doctor my guise

Have you ever gone under the knife? I have. Quite a few times, actually. It's an interesting experience. They give you a little something, you slide subtly into the deep and dreamless, you come to all achy, and you have a little chat with the surgeon.

I have been thinking recently of this little chat. In the past, I've always related to my surgeons as I felt a patient ought to relate to his doctor, vis. with heartfelt but just slightly distant gratitude. Surgeon/Rob exchanges, that is, have generally gone something like this:

Surgeon: "You're quite lucky to be alive."
Rob: "Err."
Surgeon: "We had to use twenty stitches, sew up a laceration in your stomach, sell one kidney on e-Bay, and replace your left eye with a mechanical replica which is just as functional as the original but can also make great chili and fries in a pinch."
Rob: "Thank you."
Surgeon: "You know, usually people don't require such extensive surgery for a paper cut."
Rob: "Yes."

And so on. Terse from one corner, decidedly un-terse from the other. I have often wondered why (aside from some sort of medical code or liability issue) the surgeon does not simply say "you've been fixed" and move on. I mean, who is this person? It was just a surgery, like hundreds of other surgeries he's performed. Why is he so chatty about it?

But then I got to thinking. And this is what I thought: "Self," I said to myself, "This man - or quite possibly in today's equitable world woman - has just come out of a small room after several hours of poking around in your insides with a pair of forceps. She (or perhaps he) has seen more of you than you would ever desire to see. This poking included, but was not limited to, sewing up a hole in your stomach!!!" I may have appended a few "gosh-durnit"s, even. That's how moved I was at this epiphany.

The point is that I now view my several surgeons in a different light, and should I ever have the opportunity to be operated on again, I will try to be much more understanding of my operator's point of view. Perhaps our conversation will run more along these lines:

Surgeon: "You're quite lucky to be--"
Rob: "Do you ever have dreams about what would happen if you accidentally sewed your watch up inside of a patient?"
Surgeon: "Err."


Music of the moment: "Cogent" by Rodney Kendrick, from his wonderful CD "Dance World Dance", which you can borrow and listen to for free if you happen to have access to any of the fine and deceptively unassuming public fronts of the notorious Whatcom County Library System.

8.25.2005

Quotes from Alaska

For those of you who simply can't believe it (Mickey), yes, this is indeed my fourth blog post this month. But, lest you erroneously presume this new-turned leaf to be commendably so, I direct your attention to the humble fact that the increase in posting frequency has been paralleled by an undeniable cheapening - a sort of change hardly of a good sort.

This post will serve as a rather timely example, in fact, as I will henceforward forgo the creation of mine own material whatsoever, instead falling back upon a select anthology of quotes I collected in Alaska. Hope you enjoy watching me sell my bloggy soul as much as I enjoy watching you watch me.


"Maybe somebody cut themselves [Editor's note for all my SAT students: sic.] shaving and put the tissue on the wrong face."
-Mickey, on the mysterious presence of small pulpy globs on the bathroom mirror

Justin: "I've never dated a white girl."
Wesley: "I wonder what it's like?"
Rob: "Yeah. Me too."

"If it weren't for education, I'd be dumb."
-Somebody whose name I failed to jot down

"I'd marry Wesley."
"Why?"
"Because he's Chinese."
-Mickey, while discussing the hypothetical scenario of himself as a girl

"What if you confused the taste of mint with the idea of increasing?"
-A rumored musing of one of Sherrie's friends

"I'm taking a vote: should I pop my pimple now, or wait a week?"
-Justin

"No! I'm going to praise you publicly so that you don't get anything in heaven!"
-Mickey (to Wesley)

"This kid - the closest thing he's ever seen to a knife fight is when I threw a Taco Bell spork at him."
-Chris Cha

"Same scent, different nostril."
-Chris Cha

"Can we talk about math *and* girls?"
-Justin, upon becoming fed up with math talk

Chris: "How many of you know teenagers in your school right now who are making a difference in your community?"
(hand raised)
Chris: "What are they doing?"
Hand-raiser: "Community service."

Rob: "Mickey! Wake up! It's 7:20!"
Mickey (not drowsily in the least): "Hmm... that worked well." (promptly falls back asleep.)

Brian: "I got saved tonight."
Justin: "That's like the eighth time!"



Music o' the moment: "Drive" by R.E.M. Aah, the ol' requisite Namesake Band.

8.15.2005

Quick question

Q: Why does water make that white-noisesque sound when you're heating it up but before it boils? You know the sound I'm talking about. What makes it?

Music of the moment: Buddy Miller. One of the best country artists I've ever heard.

8.12.2005

Let's play taboo

Why is it that certain subjects are banned from polite society? For example, I just got back from Alaska where, in the Korean company I kept, I could have carried on for hours about bowel movements and the color of my stool without raising a censorious eyebrow. However, now that I am back in Bellingburg I find my conversational latitude somewhat restricted. Where does such restriction come from?

In addition to poo, I have found from experience that it is for whatever reason frowned upon to discuss one's warts and possible remedies thereof before any audience but that of fellow sufferers. Again - why? Mind you, there are plenty of heinous things I could discuss. The methods a housecat employs during and following the dismembering a bird, for instance. Or the state of my cuticles. The Chair Incident, even. World Hunger. AIDS. Overpopulation. The Apprentice. But not warts. Anything but that.

While on the subject of strange and unpleasant topics of conversation, have you ever considered what it would be like to be a family practitioner? Bear with me. At first one might think such an occupation pleasant - helping people all the time and all that. But consider: as such a doctor, the only contact you would have with the vast majority of the humanity you encounter you encounter a good deal short of midseason form. Mr. Johnson you know as the grumpy old man with a urinary tract infection. Little Billy is always crabby and feverish. Mrs. Carmichael insists that you inspect the yellow spot under her fourth toenail. Seems that that would give one a rather dim view of the future prospects of our fine species. And a dim view of the future prospects of our fine species being something I would rather avoid, I think I should be rather disinclined to pursue that particular occupation.

But that won't stop me from making a terrible doctor pun.

Q: What do you call it when the tough job market causes children's doctors to seek other forms of employment?
A: Pediattrition

Ha!


Music of the Moment: I am enjoying Jars of Clay's "Much Afraid" album once again. Wonderful, wonderful music - in fact, nearly perfect to my naive ears.

8.01.2005

Weighing Anchorage

Well there I went again - months and months with nary a blog post or update. Just goes to show that you all should be striving hard to make my life more interesting, funny, and, ultimately, worthy of being shared. I look forward to seeing what you cook up.

Right now I am plowing my way through a month of teaching SAT skills from a Christian perspective to Korean kids in Anchorage, Alaska (Motto: Look! It's Alaska!). This is an entirely new experience for me in more than one way. For one, before this I'd never spent any more time here in Anchorage than the occasional hour waiting in the airport on my way to Fairbanks, which experience led me to believe that Anchorage was a city primarily occupied by stuffed polar bears and disembodied antlers. Now that I have spent nearly a month here I can finally write that flawed assumption off as a gross error; there are also moose. Or, as my mom likes to call them, caribou.

In addition to the wildlife, this town/city/hamlet has proved to contain its due complement of people. People of all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds. People diverse in heritage and culture. A tapestry of humanity. Korean humanity, from my experience.

I am the first Caucasian (What does that mean, anyway? Where is Caucasia?) to teach at Alaska Oriental Mission Church's Vision Summer School program in it's long history, and I am bearing the banner of diversity proudly by refusing to shave my beard and by giving my students test problems involving characters such as "Sven" and "Tojvo". A tough job, but someone's got to do it. Not that I'm not absorbing a good deal of Korean as well. I have ceased to become uncomfortable when feces are brought up in polite dinnertime conversation, have temporarily surrendered in my efforts to refuse "more food!" ("How can you not eat this?"), and have consumed more spiced and pickled cabbage over the past three weeks than in my entire previous life and the lives of all my second and third cousins combined. As you might have inferred, life here revolves largely around food. And, if I may say so myself, I am getting durn good at them chopstick thingamajigs.

Speaking of my students - which, if you recall, I was some time ago - who knew that I'd ever be called upon to teach SAT skills? And who would have thought that one could forget that much grammar so quickly? Past participle? Subordinating conjunction clause? Fortunately for me, the chilluns have basically had zero grammar thus far, so if I get stuck and don't know what I'm talking about, I can pretty much make up anything I want to. I try to stay within the bounds of probable truth, but honestly, how many of us, when called upon, could give a really good definition of "gerund phrase"? Let he who has never stretched Strunk & White throw the first stone. [Editor's note: My kids were awesome. Superfine. Just... a little hard up in the grammar department. But nevertheless a model class. Don't want to give the impressionable reader an erroneous impression of the impressive impression they impressed upon me.]

I mentioned that I was teaching SAT skills from a Christian perspective, and you may very well be wondering exactly what I meant by that. Well, to be honest, very little. Most of the classes here are divided between math, English, and Camp Sunday School (thank you, David.) Unfortunately, I have found it very difficult to blend SAT skills aptly with Christianity, so I have hitherto stuck to my technical job description of Joe SAT. However, one of the other high school teachers here (Actually, Ryan Hsi's brother, if that means anything to you) is going to be giving a presentation of the gospel message tomorrow, so I'm making my kids read Romans in preparation. Not that I really expect any of them to carry it through in its entirety, but the assignment has had the wonderful side affect of forcing me to read Romans at a faster pace than my usual chapter-a-day. And my goodness but it all falls together much more nicely when taken as a whole. Chapter 8: wow. I feel that I am finally beginning to see the Biblical approach to works and faith, as opposed to the Sunday School approach. This comes after a longish period of not really feeling that I was being shown anything new in the Bible (never a good sign.) I'm not going to expound upon what I've been learning (except to say that, for someone who grew up in the church, you'd think that it would have occurred to me to look into this earlier. Ah well.), but I highly recommend sitting down and reading Romans fast enough to catch the whole argument. And after you finish that you might want to take a gander at First John. Ooh, and Job. Ecclesiastes. Heck, the whole book's a classic.

The motivation for my recent scriptural searching has not entirely been my obligation to my class, though. A large factor has been my proximity these past three weeks to Mickey, who not only teaches in the room next door to me, but also shares a room with me in our host family's house. Dang, but I am looking forward to this coming year. I've never known someone so addicted to knowing just where he stands on matters theological, and knowing where as many pastors as possible stand as well. And he can solve a Rubik's Cube. And tell math jokes. As well as frequently saying things along the lines of "No! I'm going to praise you publicly so that you don't get anything in Heaven!" and "You don't *feel* fat, you just *look* fat." Mickey Sheu, my roommate. I am truly blessed.

So anyway, besides all that, life up here has been pretty ho hum. See you in a few months.

Music of the moment: Aww heck, just go to pastemusic.com and download everything. It will save me time evangelizing.