The swamps of home

It has been almost a year since I last visited here. Some have pondered these things in their hearts, no doubt, and I myself find same a bit unsettled by this long silence. What might it mean? Much of significance has undoubtedly happened in my life in the intervening months, and yet, however interventionist the months have become, I fail to view the ever-shifting commonplace as I once did. I no longer see life, for example, as even resembling a series of diverting vinaigrettes suitable for public display and amusement.

In place of that ideal, I'm coming into a newly distressing interpretation for the foregone queries of What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up. The problem is that I always paid more attention to the "want to be" part of this question, but the effect of the progression of life to my thoughts thereon suggest that a far more important thing to ponder may be "when you grow up?" An awfully crabby way to pose the question, but still, more pertinent.

Or perhaps it is not a matter of which is the more pertinent question. Perhaps these two are merely at increasing odds with one another. In a sense, what I want to be may be precisely to not be when I grow up. At least, not the way that I think of growing up.

I have a job now, did I mention? A good steady one, involving all the important aspects: smart people, nodding, meetings, com-put-ahs, pieces of various pies, the whole nine tails. Unfortunately, like most jobs it involves me being in not-Bellingham. And if there is any place that is good for growing but not up, for maturing dependently, for becoming more like the person that I would like to be, it is Bellingham.

I think there is something real about that town. Or maybe it is just home. Or maybe it was just a mistake to read Howards End. I'm not sure which, but as I was flying in after having been away for such a long time I was looking out the plane's windows at islands that have hung on my walls for years I know that I felt the most profound sense of joy that I can remember feeling. There is something substantial about that place, no doubt about it. A messy business.

This past summer-into-fall I learned a lot and thought a good deal more than I am used to. I don't have as much fun now, despite having many good friends about, for which I am ever thankful; I don't think about life as much or at least in the right way; in fact, in terms of personal anything, I'm stagnant. My mom calls the present my two+ years of military service, which I understand even though it is probably an overstatement. I'm sure I will love... business, and in fact I do like my job a lot. But even so, being in the land of not-Bellingham, it happens to not involve any of the most important elements of life-in-Bellingham-over-the-past-half-year.

Starting to see where I'm going with this? That's too bad, because in reality this whole thing has been one awfully chewy lead-up to another edition of... Things I Like An Awful Lot About The Past. And here they are, a stream of consciousness arriving right on time and in no particular order, that will mean very little to most people, but which I will look back on in the future and smile:

- "Hey, you! You with the face!"
- "Ya pay your money, ya take your chances!"
- Having long and real conversations with and constantly learning from a man who is far wiser than I will ever be.
- Living in the same town as Emily for the first time in who knows how long (I do! Four years!)
- Getting to know Megan, Erek, Tara, and loads of other important, wise, accepting, amazing people much better.
- Spaghetti sauce.
- Helicopter.
- Seeing Mrs. Short on Sundays.
- The taped sermon/talk about the woman at the well by, I forget his name, that Int'l House of Prayer guy.
- Once, I was but a learner...
- Playing chess with Jared.
- Drives to Birch Bay.
- Nathaniel's work schedule -- it turns out I am a morning person after all.
- Songs throughout the day... including but not limited to:
"Don't you know, we are cows!"
"I neeeeeed a nap!"
"We are lovely and slooooow; don-t-cha-know we are cows."
"Into the woods! Into the woods!"
"You are my masking machine, somethingsomething oooonly sev-en-teen."
"Raindrops keep falling on my head..."
"Get Evan to do it, dear Ro-ob, dear Ro-ob; get Evan to do it, his musc-les are big!"
- NO TRESPASSING WATCH YOUR MIRRORS
- The wind storm blowing waves out of Birch Bay. That was such a great day.
- Walking past the automatic garbage can that said bwaah.
- Thursday
- Listening to the audiophile system at that one place in Fairhaven with Brian and Jeff W.
- Lafeen's
- Playing drums, getting better, and people putting up with it.
- Michele's surprise visit.
- Working with Brian, who once again showed without exaggeration or pride that he is better than me in everything.
- "What does this have to do with my mother?" "Ev-ery-thing!"
- Fantasy football
- Fantasy child-rearing
- The Amazing Race
- Apple pastries
- Judging the clarity of the day by whether or not we could see the Olympics.
- Being introduced to various songs by The Smothers Brothers, Victor Borge, etc.
- An IMPERIAL STAR DESTROYER
- Trying to sell the Death Star that came with it.
- "... cookie?"
- Looks askance from all the more, um, normal contractors.
- The fact that all of my stories now start with "So this one time Nathaniel and I were talking..."

[Editors' note: We believe that the omission of "I don't like it when Rob talks to me!" from this list is a grievous error, a word which we have just learned is spelt with only a single 'i', and we will not let it happen again.]

There are, of course, the bright spots of my current situation as well. They are fewer, but still:

- Pancakes
- The Bungalow
- Building the aforementioned Death Star... while watching The Star Wars Holiday Special... and The Muppet Show Featuring Mark Hamill.
- Frinners
- The incredible Edwin, against whom there is no comparison.
- Card games
- Running, and the fact that it doesn't kill me.
- Popcorn!
- Living near the to-be-Woodleys.
- 280
- Mickey, Kristen, Beth, and everyone else who has ended up here in not-home.

...And the list continues to grow. Anywhere but up.



Music of the moment:

Following hard on the heels of a Nick Cave binge, I recently found myself listening to Damien Jurado's Where Shall You Take Me? non-stop, enough to make me go out and buy more of his stuff. Since then I have been completely entranced with Rehearsals for Departure. His voice is incredible -- the way i described it to a friend is that it sounds like something that comes from a point outside of his head, then has to filter its way back in before it can come out at the right spot. This is especially true high in his range, and can be fleeting as his voice changes a ton depending on dynamics and pitch and instrumentation. Another name for my list of "If I could sound like anyone, I would choose..."

Speaking of which, I also have a couple new Favorite Songs Ever. If you'll kindly take my word that they stop my in my tracks and entice me to turn up the volume every time I listen to them, I won't go into any further explanations. They are "Hail, Mary" by Shearwater and "The Wishing Tree" by The King's Singers. Gorgeous.